Betty and Bob

I had an interesting experience recently. As you may or may not know I recently returned from a 2 week speaking engagement on a cruise ship! I met some amazing people. I also met 2 people who attended all my talks and each are charming individuals… sadly, put them at the same table together and world war 3 is likely to erupt! How have these 2 remained married for 15 years, I wondered?

Actually, I did comment on their success at having been married for 15 years and was expecting some form of recognition and agreement of that - imagine my disappointment when the wife said they probably wouldn't reach 16 years! And the husband didn't deny it.

I'll call them "Betty" and "Bob".

I really liked these two people and from an objective perspective, they had a lot going for them and stood to lose a lot if they separated. I managed to get them alone late one evening - we sat in the lounge and enjoyed a few social drinks.

I noticed that every time Bob said something, Betty would put him down or make fun of him or his comment. Bob didn't reply most of the times - he just wore a sad expression, and occasionally would snap back at her. Once he snapped, of course, this made things worse and Betty seemed to think this justified really hoeing into him!

I began to feel sorry for Bob, but as I got to know them more, I discovered that he, too, wasn't averse to slinging a little mud his wife's way either. It was a game, an unpleasant game, they both indulged in - why did they play it? It was obvious none of them liked it.

Betty said this was the reason they probably wouldn't see 16 years together. She couldn't take it anymore. Well, finally she had said something Bob agreed with. I let them talk it out, get it off their chest and I just sat their listening. Then Betty said to me, "You are so easy to talk to! I guess that's why you're a Coach!" So I said, "Would you like me to let you in on a little secret? A free coaching tip?" (A free coaching tip from a Master Coach? Are you kidding? Of course, they were both all ears!)

I gave them the nutshell version on the art of "listening". I reminded them of how they would have listened to each other when they first met - the respect they would have shown each other. I told them that they have no problem listening respectfully to other people - just with each other. I asked if they were up for a little experiment and they decided to humor me. I told them that for the rest of the voyage, I wanted them to stop slanging each other and to treat what the other had to say with the same respect they'd show somebody else, like me. I told them this new "game" would start right "now". So I kept them there for another hour or so and kept the topics light. We discussed the trip, the great photos we'd all taken and the wonderful new sights and experiences. I only had to remind Betty once that she had slipped up when she made a smart reply to her husband's comment about the food and the onboard gym.

I endeavored to meet up with these 2 almost every day, and they both surprised me by informing me that they were still trying the experiment. I knew they were good people, so really, I shouldn't have been surprised.

A few days later, we were sitting around after dinner and I noticed something rather wonderful had happened. Bob made one of his usual comments that in the past would have brought a smart reply and put down from Betty, but this time she just looked at him and laughed. He rewarded her with the warmest of smiles and I swear, their was a twinkle in both their eyes! But it didn't stop there. Betty commented on some weight gain she felt she'd experienced during the voyage, but rather than make a comment about her spreading midriff, Bob surprised his wife by telling her she was every bit as gorgeous as the first day he'd met her.

Look, not every couple can work things out as easily as this with just one little tip. But I did tell you I'd seen something special about this couple! However, this same, very basic and simple coaching tip is one that has salvaged many relationships. When you are with somebody for so many years, some of their habits or expressions can be annoying. You just have to remember that it is part and parcel of the person you fell in love with all those years ago, and try to imagine life without that person. Very often, some couples find that they would rather live with an annoying habit than be without the person whose habit it is. Very often the person with the bad habit is prepared to compromise and do something about their habit.

Great listening and compromise… the 2 things that make for a great relationship!

Ah, don't you just love a happy ending! Okay, that's a bit of a lie… I did hear them arguing about their luggage when we disembarked - they stopped when they saw me. Maybe I should send them my photo to stick on their refrigerator as a reminder!

Terri Levine
http://www.coachinstitute.com
http://www.terrilevine.com/